Need a good laugh?? Look no further! My latest adventure!!

Okay, as many of you know I had brain surgery 6 months ago, to remove a pituitary tumor. I've come a long way since before my surgery, but still have a long way to go. I am to happy for the blessing of each and every day. Our God is an AWESOME GOD!!

Well since I'm having a hard time dealing with the pain, this winter and not able to get out much. I decided to look into getting a work from home part time job. Well last week I started my new adventure. I took a leap and started my training last week. What is my job, you may be wondering. Well you know those sweet, people that have to call your home, that you really do not want to talk to? Yep, I'm now one of those.. So if I call your house, don't hang up on me okay(1st of all thankfully I'm not selling anything. I just want to know if you received your free packet of coupons and ads.. Secondly, I'm really nice, why wouldn't you want to talk to me) :) Please, either don't answer or just tell me, "No, thank you" then you can hang up.. LOL That way I get paid for the call, otherwise.. I get NADA!!

Well let me tell you, I've actually enjoyed this job so far.. ;) I know only me!! But seriously, we all know I love, love, love a good laugh.. Remember, Laughter is the best medicine.. Many times I have to cover the phone and try to quickly move the call along so I can bust out laughing.. Let me give you some examples of my calls this past week. Are you ready for them?! LOL

On any given day, with in just a couple of hours, I get to talk to people all over the map. It doesn't take northerners too long to realize I don't live down the street from them.. So I get many, hun where are you calling from? But on my third day I got my first crazy, fun call. I was calling doing "thank you" calls, no selling, just calling to thank people for donating blood. I got this young guy. I proceed my short and sweet message and prepared to hang up. He suddenly says, "Whoa, your not gonna hang up on me are you? That would be rude considering I was busy, but took the time to answer your call. So now you need to sit and talk to me awhile. Ummm You could have heard crickets for a moment on my side as I sit contemplating what I'm going to say. I tell him, sorry but I have other calls to make I just started this job and don't want to get in trouble. He then, says, "No, how can you get in trouble, you called me, and now I have questions and want to talk.. "So where to you live? How old are you? Are you single?" ummm I'm 41 and I'm married.. "Oh do you have any daughters interested in a 21 yr old. Umm nope! Oh, so got any friends, you sound so nice, are they nice like you?" I said, "They are old and married like me!" Oh... So can you tell me my blood type?" No, I do not have that information, so what all information do you have on me?" Just your name and that you gave blood recently.. I've really gotta go take another call.. He says,"But I want to talk, but your so nice, I guess I'll let you go.." THANKS!!
Seriously I'm calling to thank you for your blood donation, this isn't a dating service! LOL

Then Oh I loved this one, "I'm sorry I can't talk right now I'm getting my Christmas tree off the roof of my car!" ummm okay

Or before I tell you what I'm calling about, "You have the wrong number?" umm how do you know that when I haven't had the chance to tell you who I'm calling??

Or I loved the one today I called to see if they received their free copy of the coupon and ad insert from their local paper, "We are not a coupon sort of family, and we have all our shopping done!" Please remove me from your list!... okay!!

I also got some music played for me, some kids playing hold the loud buttons down, or try playing a song with the phone buttons. And the ever popular... "What? What? What? I can't hear you." Sir/Ma'am Can you hear me now? "NO!" I'm sorry we will try back later..".. The the plainest, OKAY!! LOL Really.. either that or the "No english" then proceeding to to speak English before hanging up ;)

So far, I enjoy it, it is very comical!!

And on top of all that I am thankful when I'm sick, I can cuddle up in my pjs and make calls if I feel like it or make them another time.

Wow! The difference in life after surgery!!

Hello Everyone!

I'm so sorry it has been so long since I updated my blog. I know I must be one of the worst bloggers ever. I was sitting her thinking, I need to give everyone a little update.. hehehe Chances are if you know me well enough you will find that funny, seeing as if I hardly ever talk a little..Let's face it, I'm a very "wordy" girl.

Can you believe as I sit here tonight that in only eleven days, I will be 5 months pre-op. Wow! That seems unreal. Time is flying by, why is it the older you get, the faster life flies by us.

Okay so let me update you a little. I had my surgery to remove the pituitary tumor on June 13th, one day after my 41st birthday. "Happy Birthday to me, I'm gonna be tumor free.." Yes! That was what I kept singing to myself. And yes, I realize I'm a little weird, and a bit of a dork, so you don't have to worry about telling me.

Well the day I had the surgery, I had probably the worst headache I have ever experienced in my entire life, but I'm extremely happy to say it didn't hang around too long. I had a few rough days after surgery, but I thought it went pretty well over all. As someone that suffered from daily headaches since my teens, it is hard to believe those awful, mind boggling headaches are gone. Sure I have the occasional headache, but not the want to pull your head off and hide so that it can't find you headaches.. See I told I was a little weird (some might argue more that a little, but anywhoo).

The changes my body is going through is quite amazing. Since the day last September that I asked my Endocrinologist to test me for Cushing's until this past week I have lost 61 pounds. It seems a little crazy, I spent years trying to lose weight, not knowing I had Cushing's (which practically made that near impossible). Now thank the Lord, it just keeps coming off.. WooHoo!!! I have to say I want to go around to all the doctors that I constantly told, I really do not eat a lot and should be losing weight...See what did I tell ya!!! Because I heard more times than I can count, "Calories in Calories out", "Just cut back on what you eat", "Try to exercise" and "blah, blah, blah.." Look here, take out tiny pituitary tumor and BAM!! the weight come off...  See I tried telling ya!!

Okay not only have I lost a lot of weight (which I'm completely over the moon about, by the way). I can sleep!! Let me repeat that, I can SLEEP!!! I can not even tell you the last time I actually slept over a couple of hours at a time prior to surgery. I honestly believed I was never, ever going to sleep again. If you have never experienced not being able to sleep, let me tell you, it is HORRIBLE!! A person can not function on a couple of hours of sleep.. So let's all shout...WOOHOOO!! Tina can SLEEP!! Weight loss & sleeping!! Hold on I'm on a roll :)

Let's see what else, oh! I have begun reading again. If you remember I have a bit of a book addiction.. Love, love, love to read. For a long time before surgery, I was unable to read, due to the fact I would pick up a book start reading it, and if I laid it down and picked it up later I could not recall what I had previously read, so I would have to start over. Let's face it a person can only start a book over so many times. So yeah, to reading!!!

Oh, Oh!! I can drive again!! Okay, shhhh.. those of you who are saying, "Oh great, Tina is back on the road.." shhhh... hush!! Because oh yeah, I'm back on the road.. So beware!! LOL Just kidding, I can now drive, because my mind has gotten so much better. I had to stop driving around 3-4 years ago, so being able to drive again is great! Back behind the wheel!!

So as I told you above, my mind has gotten a lot better. I still occasionally have things to pop out of my mouth that make absolutely no sense, but it is becoming better as time goes by, I would say before long I'll be back to normal.. But let's face it I'm pretty sure I've never been considered normal!! Normal is so over-rated anyway!

One of the BEST things is being able to get out and enjoying things with my family. Being able to go to worship services, being able to be involved with things(like last weekend helping the Jr. Civitans scare small children at the Haunted Museum.. LOL), being able to have game night with my family again(we love games, but I haven't been able to play in so long, my brain just would not co-operate at all before surgery) But now.. Momma's back so watch out! Oh yeah, no mercy! Momma's gonna take you down!! Oh no, I'm not competitive at all, why? what makes you ask?? ;) Okay maybe, just a tiny bit.. Okay, yeah let's be honesty.. I like to WIN!! I bet you want to come play games with us, right?? My family, like it when I wasn't able to play and lost at everything, oops too bad for them.. Momma's winning again.. LOL bhahahahaha  In all seriousness, I'm a really nice person to play games with, I promise!

Oh and probably one of my husbands favorite things... No more ordering the same thing 3 times for Kaitlyn's Christmas.. If you've read some of the past post on my blog, you will understand... ;)

So as you can see life is a lot different after surgery. Yes! I still have a ways to go. But I'm getting there. My body still isn't making cortisol or ACTH on it's own yet, so I'm having to take cortisol replacement meds. I have to continually try to cut back on them to try to jump start my body to make it. No luck yet, but it's still early in the game. The worst thing now is hurting all over from lack of cortisol (my body is so accustomed to extremely high doses, so its a hard withdrawal.. sometimes worse that others. Especially when I get out and I'm really active. Like the haunted museum last week.. It put me under all week.. But I was out and about again today..) so the pain, and getting extremely tired (even with all that sleep I'm able to get now).. But that is just to be expected, it is part of the journey. I'm happy, really HAPPY, because in comparison to last year at this time, my life has made a HUGE change.. A very welcome change.

The Lord has brought me so far, I'm so very thankful. To have my life back is truly a BLESSING!! I want to thank each of you for all your prayers. You will never know how much each and everyone has meant to me.. ((HUGS)) to you all!! <3 p="">
Okay if you've made it through my latest book, I mean post. Thanks!!
Okay it is seriously cold around here, so everybody get all warm and snuggly and have a great night! Goodnight, sleep tight!!


Here is my before and after pic.. My journey so far after surgery.

Finally got a surgery date & the countdown is on.....

Well after a very long time, many test and doctors, I found a neurosurgeon that we like, & we set up a surgery date last month.. I will be having surgery on June 13th, a day after my 41st birthday.. Our 15th wedding anniversary is the day before my birthday on the 11th. On my birthday I will be having an advance MRI, I have a pre-op appt. with my surgeon, will meet with the anesthesiologist and all that other fun pre-op stuff. It is good to finally know we are headed to getting treatment. I will finally be getting this tumor, that has been wracking havoc on my body for many, many years removed. I pray the surgery will be successful, that the surgeon will be able to remove it all, and that I will have a full recovery and reach remission. You are never considered "cured" with Cushing's, there is always the chance of the tumor coming back, of course, I'm praying that it never does. I pray it is all removed and never returns.

I'm doing surprisingly (to most everyone else) really well with my upcoming surgery. Is it scary, well of course,sometimes a little, but I don't sit and focus on it, I'm not sitting and stressing, I'm not worrying, because I know God is in control, no worrying or anything I do will change any of it, it is all in His hands, not mine. So I just pray, and leave it with Him. Like I've said before, a few years ago, I do not believe I would have handled it so well. Well,  honestly, I know I would not have handled it well at all. I use to be an extreme worrier, then I'd worry about worrying so much... LOL In the beginning I have to admit, I was really, really frustrated that I've obviously had this tumor & Cushing's Disease for many, many years. My health started declining in my teen years. I was put on blood pressure medicine at the age of 16, after me passing out in school because it went so high, and being rushed to the ER (and at that time I was not overweight, that came later) Some test were done over the years, because all the doctors kept saying "I was way to young to have high blood pressure" but the cause was never found. After that came my heart skipping beats, migraines, my immune system was awful (I'd catch ever cold in a 20 mile radius, and what most people would get over in a few days took my body forever to get well.. and we had no idea why) I gained a lot of weight. got the lovely "buffalo hump" asked a doctor about it once in my early 20's (and I only asked once, because he told me it was just fat, why yes it is but guess what ... that hump, come to find out,  is a MAJOR sign o Cushing's disease, a disease that I never heard of, a disease I was never tested for, until I asked last Sept to be tested for after reading an article about it online. So yes, I diagnosed myself. I told my doctor I though he needed to check me for Cushing's. He agreed to check me, but even agreeing he said, "Don't worry it is very rare, you will be fine" Poor man order some of the test a couple of times, not to my knowledge (until later) because he said he just didn't want to believe I actually had Cushing's .. Well I actually didn't want Cushing's either, but I did want to know what was wrong with me, I knew something wasn't right... Maybe I should have been a doctor.. Oh wait, I had to quit college due to my declining health, and severe high blood pressure.(and the symptoms, that I didn't even know were symptoms of  this rare disease until I read that article, and discovered all these symptoms & health problems that have piled on year after year were all due to it..It took this disease  taking away my short term memory, my ability to drive,my ability to cook without supervision, (because I'll go to the restroom or answer the phone & never return to the kitchen until something is on fire, because I totally forgot I was cooking). It has taken away my ability to sit and read a book (which I love to do, but when you can't remember what you read, and every time you pick up the book you have to restart it over and over, it takes all the enjoyment out of reading I can, howeve,r watch a movie, forget it and watch it again like brand new a couple of days later & argue with my husband that I've never seen this movie before (but he continues to insist that I did)..hmmm.The list goes on & on. My hubby says, if I get mad at him it's all good, because in a few minutes I'm going to forget why I was mad, &even forget that I am mad to begin with, so that is a plus for him.. LOL).. Anyway, enough of thinking about the frustrations, because like I said, all in God's timing.. He knew I would not have been able to handle finding out I have a brain tumor, emotionally before. It would have drove me insane. I know I would have been convince I was dying. I'll never forget the 1st time I found a lump in my breast, I cried & cried my grandmother had breast cancer, & I just knew I did too. I called the doctor insisted on an appt. that day, then insisted I get sent for a mammogram that day.. you know how normally you do not learn anything when you go for a mammogram, well that wasn't the case with me.. They had the dr to come read my results and talk to me while I was there, I was scared to death. Thank the Lord it was, and all the many times since then have been fluid filled cyst. He drained it that day, and put my mind at ease, God bless them all for getting me through that day, I was a basket case. Imagine if I would have found out back them that I had a brain tumor, I probably would have died due to sheer terror.. But I have grown A LOT spiritually since then, with lots, and lots of pray and Bible studying. I finally discovered what "Fear ends where FAITH begins" means. I'll admit I use to hear that or see that and think "WHATEVER, I have FAITH, but I'm still terrified" Am I saying I'm not  ever scared, no, I'm not saying that. What I am saying is I'm not paralyzed by fear, anymore. I don't sit and focus on the fear, the what ifs & all that. I now realize, no amount of worrying will ever change any of this, well other than make me worse from making myself sicker.. I am not in control, and no amount of worrying will change that. God is in control, whatever, his will is for me & my life with this tumor & surgery, is HIS will, that is not something I can control. I can pray, I can search and pray to find the best surgeon, I can do whatever I can to try to help my health, instead of working against it.

So I did, in Feb. I started following the Trim Healthy Mama eating plan. I have not had any soda, sugar, white flour, white potatoes, white rice. I have had NO soda I repeat, not even diet soda.. And I was a girl who LOVED her coca-cola. I also have not had any Sweet Tea, and I'm girl who lives in the south. That stuff starts coursing through our veins at a young age.. LOL ;)  I have learned to change my eating habits, drinking water, water and more water.. Thank the Lord above for Stevia (which does not affect my blood sugar at all) you can make some pretty amazing things with that stuff. I have discovered a whole new way of eating.. My grandmother of course does not understand this whole no sugar, no white bread thing, she thinks I obviously am becoming malnourished. Even though we voth have diabetes (which thanks to eating this way, I was able to come off one of my meds & now have it under control..) But bless her she wants no part of this now sugar, thing ;) Even though she admitted "my skinny chocolate" (which let me tell you once you get the ingredient amounts to your taste liking is some amazing stuff.. Thank you Pearl & Serene for writing "Trim Healthy Mama" and coming up with those amazing recipes. Who knew you could fix wonderful chocolate with no sugar.. Eat is daily & still lose weight & lower your blood sugar levels.. Like I said, some amazing stuff) Since starting THM in Feb. I started knowing I was not going to lose a ton of weight, until old "Edgar" (my nasty brain tumor we named) was removed.. He loves causing trouble.. And one of his favorite activities is accumulating all the fat he possible can find to my abdomen. Nasty, mean little bugger.. I'll be glad when he gets evicted.. He is a very unwelcomed guest. But I have lost some weight, of course he is fighting tooth and nail to keep it in my abdomen. But my face, arms, legs, and rear have slimmed up some. Praying after surgery, all this unwelcomed padding around the middle leaves.. With God, surgery and THM I pray it leaves, and never comes back.. It's no fun looking in the mirror and becoming someone you do not recognize anymore.. But that is all going to change..However I did start THM praying it would help my diabetes, and it has. in Feb. when I had my lab work done my A1C was 8.7 (which calculates to my blood sugar averaging over a 3 month period of 220+) When I had my blood work checked in May, my A1C was 5.8, which is AWESOME (that is an avg of 120, much much better) So I was able to stop one of my blood sugar medicines.... YEAH!! for THM..

I have a very, very long road ahead after surgery. As the doctor said, I've had this for many, many years according to all the damage it has done to my health & body. She said it is not like many surgeries, it's not a surgery where she simply goes in removes the tumor & boom I'll be better. (oh how I wish that was the case, because the reality, she told me isn't any where near as fun sounding) All this didn't happen to my body overnight, and recovering will not either.. It takes about a year or so for your body to recovery from much of the damage, some things can take even longer. I was also told about a week after surgery I will feel WORSE, than I do now.. (ummm... Say what?!?!  WORSE!?! that doesn't sound right..) According to the doctor & others that I've talked to, that is the reality I will be facing.. Right now my body is extremely hopped up on Cortisol , I mean HUGE levels. Levels no where near normal. I mean according to doctors we are talking imagine being drugged up on extremely high doses of steroids.. Then imagine it being taken away, all at once.. Fun sounding? Well guess what, from what I've been told, it is anything but fun.. Of course to know she prayerfully got all the tumor, we want my blood levels of cortisol to completely bottom out after surgery (which they will take blood the next morning to check.. We want zip, nada.. , but along with that nada , after a while my body is going to revolt... She said she would have to give me "normal" doses and taper them until my pituitary decides to wake up (which we pray it wakes up there is always the chance with this surgery it will not, then I will have to stay on meds, because where my tumor is secreting these high levels, your pituitary normally controls how much cortisol is released, it is suppose to go up and down throughout the day. It increases with stress, sickness & such. Decrease so you can rest and sleep (which I pray I will once again be able to sleep.. For a long time now I'm clocking 1-2 hours a night tops, and if I'm able to nap during the day, which sometimes I can it is only 1-2 hours also..  Let me tell you that cortisol is all that is keeping me going, otherwise I'd fall over,high levels of it causes your body to always be in that "fight or flight" mode.. So it doesn't allow my body to relax & sleep. Under normal circumstances, someone would completely crash, but that  same cortisol keeps me from completely crashing.. It keeps my body wired.. Very tired, and feeling extremely bad, all the time.. But wired.. imagine if when you take decadron if it affects you and keeps you up wired and shaky, well that is what Cushing's does to ppl all the time..) So no sleep along with all the other things it causes health wise, is why I haven't been able to do so much of what I would love to do now for a long time.

Before discovering what is wrong with me, through the years, I've had to miss a lot. I have to miss worship services, I use to have to miss school a lot, use to have to  miss work  a lot, I 've had to cancel plans with family & friends more times than I can count, all due to my health. The sad thing is when something is wrong with you and you go to all these specialist & no one puts all the symptoms together to realize hey maybe something is causing all of this. When you are sick all the time, but no one can "see" what is wrong with you, when you can't even explain, WHY?!? yourself.. You can't explain to others why you don't feel like holding your head up, why you are in constant pain or why you  just feel awful all the time. All you know is you can't sleep, you hurt all over, migraines are the DEVIL, your blood pressure is through the roof,you are shaky, weak run into things, drop everything, & the list continues. But ppl do not understand (they can't see it, they don't feel it), over the years you lose  friends, because they think you just don't want to do stuff with them, since you are always having to cancel. You are called a "Hypochondriac", behind your back, which gets back to you (and if you are me, you confront that person with well please since "nothing" is wrong with me maybe you would like to pay all my, medical & medicine bills & I'll send you a copy of my medical records while you are sifting through all those bills. Maybe you can tell me why all this stuff is wrong with me. Thanks! Then finally you have an answer.. CUSHING'S. Brain TUMOR.. Of course part of you wants to take all those test results and the MRI of the tumor & say "well, look there I guess you were  right! It is ALL in my HEAD!!" but instead I take a deep breath & pray. Because that would not be very nice, but for the record (some days I still want to do it).. If someone you know is sick, & misses school, work, outings with you, cancels plans... Please do not assume, because you can not physically see what is wrong with them, that nothing is wrong with them. Do not assume it is, "all in there head" trust me they hear it, or see it enough in the faces of others,sometimes even some doctor make them feel like well maybe I am just "crazy"... So they do not need their friends and families doubting them, doubting that there is something wrong with them.. Because if they are like me, they already feel bad enough for missing so much.. Okay anyway.. I guess I felt like writing a book.. Took forever, due to lovely old "Edgar" but if you made it to the end of this God Bless You!! Please continue to pray, pray that all goes well with my surgery, pray for God to guide the hands of all the medical staff that will be working on me, pray for my family (because waiting all those hours during surgery is going to be torture for them) Please pray for me, all of us.. If I worry at all , it isn't for me, it is for my family.. Because I hate what this is doing to them :( I feel bad for all the worrying they are going through.) I know God's got this, whatever His will may be.. Thank you all for your continued prayers & support.. Much love to you all <3 nbsp="" p="">

Our THM Chicken Alfredo Recipes ...Yummmy!

Chicken Alfredo    (S)

Ingredients:

• 5-6 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast Tenders
• coconut oil
• Yellow, Orange and Red peppers, deseed & dice
• squash and zucchini, sliced
• Onion, diced
• broccoli
• Newman's Alfredo Sauce
• Sea Salt & Pepper
• a little Garlic powder, Onion Powder & a little Tony Catchere's (optional)
• Deamfields pasta

 Directions:

1. Bake Chicken Tenders about 30-40 minutes or until juices are clear. 
2. While chicken is baking, dice vegetables, then melt a little coconut oil in a pan to saute veggies. Once melted add veggies, except broccoli, to saute. 
3. Once peppers, onion, squash and zucchini are tender add Newman's Alfredo Sauce, and continue to cook over med. heat.
4. Once chicken is done, dice or shred it and add it to the veggies and Alfredo sauce.
5. Fill a pot with water and bring to a boil, add Dreamfield pasta (follow directions on box)
6. Then add Broccoli, salt, pepper and other desired seasonings.
7. Continue to cook, turn down to low and let simmer about 10 minutes.
8. Then Serve over pasta and enjoy!

Chicken Alfredo "Pizza"   (S)

Ingredients:

• Joseph's Lavish Bread
• Butter or coconut oil
• Tyson ready to eat Grilled Chicken Strips, diced
• Newman's Alfredo Sauce
• Either fresh or frozen Squash, Zucchini, Onions, and Peppers (yellow, red and orange), slice or diced
• Sea Salt, Pepper, Garlic Powder and Onion Powder
• Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

Directions:

1. Preheat oven 350 degrees
2. Take Lavish Bread, spread butter or oil on each side place in oven 3 minutes, take out flip and bake another 3 minutes.
3. Place veggies on pan and put in oven to "roast" about 10 minutes.
4. While veggies are in oven, Take Lavish bread and begin to prepare "pizza". Spread alfredo sauce over lavish bread.
5. When veggies are done, spread them and diced chicken on top of alfredo sauce.
6. Then drizzle a little more alfredo sauce over chicken and veggies.
7. Then add Salt, pepper and other desired seasonings.
8. Top with mozzarella cheese.
9. Bake in oven 10 minutes or until cheese is melted.

My newest journey, Trim Healthy Mama

Well due to that nasty little tumor in my brain that is reeking havoc on every part of my body, it has also brought me the wonderful gift of diabetes. I was doing better trying to watch my sugar intake & had given up soda & etc, that is until I found out the news of "Edgar", my nasty little brain tumor, I decide to name my unwelcome guest Now I can stop calling it "my nasty little tumor" ..LOL So when I found out about Edgar, I went through the, "Okay since I have a brain tumor, I'm going to eat whatever I want!" Well let me just say that was a really bad idea. I decided it was time to get my head screwed back on straight.

I kept seeing all these people talking about "Trim Healthy Mama", at first I thought, "Oh another fad diet." But I looked into it more, I then found out it's not a fad diet,  Pearl & Serene (2 sisters that researched this plan for 5 years and wrote the book) they just show how eating certain foods together & avoid putting other together, can help keep your blood sugar at a good stable level and therefore helps your body. So I kept reading and reading more online about THM, then I decided to buy the book. Wow! When it came in I thought I'll never get this, it is a HUGE book, but thankfully, while taking a little at a time & making lots of notes since I can't remember much these days. I went ahead and jumped into the THM lifestyle. So on Feb. 13,( yes the day before Valentine's Day I decide to cut out sugar) I started THM and the things they  recommend to avoid are the things, as a diabetic I need to aoid anyway, Sugar, White Flour, White potatoes, White Rice and replace with better options that my body will use slower and keep my blood sugar stable.

That same week I went to the doctor, about 2 days after my "revelation" I needed to get back to eating healthier. I had to get blood work. My A1C was 8.7, which isn't good. That is basically saying that oer the past 3 months my blood sugar was averaging over 200. And that is one 2 different diabetes medications. I take Glipizide & 1,000mg of Metformin ER, every morning & every afternoon. So  Eeekkk,  that whole, "I have a brain tumor and I'll eat whatever I want", wasn't doing anything to help me, instead I was helping evil little "Edgar". And I do not want to help him at all, he has already done enough damage. So since I had started THM 2 days before my doctor visit, I knew I definitely had to change things. So I continued on my THM journey..

That first morning, deciding to weigh in to see where I was starting, (let's just say it wasn't pretty).. Cushing's is know to mess with hormones, cortisol, it makes you gain weight, and makes it VERY, VERY difficult to lose. I have lost some in the past few years, but no matter what I could not get past a certain point, now whether I'm able to break through that wall with THM or not is yet to be seen, I just don't know but I'm starting anyway, I'm not going to let that little "you can't lose" mentality in, because whether I'm able to lose just a little right now, it is doing wonders for my blood sugar. After a little over 3 weeks on plan. My blood sugar has steadily been going down, yesterday morning it was 100, this morning 102, this afternoon 101.. So I don't know about you, but if nothing else, THM has helped get my blood sugar under control, which is great. The last thing I need right now is it going crazy with my upcoming surgery. I have lost some weight over the past 3 weeks. And after surgery, once they remove "Edgar" and kick him out, hoping and praying if they get it all weight loss should start to happen anyway, but I plan to help it along while continuing THM.

So far at my week 1 weigh in I was down -2.5lbs. Week 2 weigh in -2lbs. Week 3 weigh in -2.5lbs.. So over the past 3 weeks I've lost 7lbs.. I have to admit I'm pretty proud of losing those 7lbs. Especially since we are eating some wonderful tasty food.

I have gone THM obsessed, LOL I search the book, Pinterest, everywhere looking for good recipes. Of course, if you know me very well, you know I always have to "Tinafy" it. I can not seem to follow a recipe or pattern or anything without changing it up a little ..LOL Oh yeah, I'm just a Rebel, like that.. ;) bhahaha... Since I can't cook alone any more due to my wandering mind & memory, along with the fact that I get bad dizzy and lose my balance, food is a family affair. Someone is always over there with me, sometimes, or a lot of the time, I supervise :) If it's a day I'm able I help and we make it a team effort.. I've even come up with some yummy recipes for us.

I will start a new post to share a couple of them.. It's all about balance..

If you need help getting healthier, getting your blood sugar under control, losing weight, I recommend that you check out Trim Healthy Mama.

A little more of what has been going on & some good news in my journey

 Well I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. There hasn't been much to report. I went for my consultation with the surgeon last month. Which didn't go as I thought, he sent in another endocrinologist and together they order even more test. I can't say I was very happy about that, but I finally have them done, except for the big one, the scary one the IPSS test. In the past month I got more blood work, another 24-hour urine, bone density test & sleep study last week. Now I'm waiting to hear from the sleep study, but the guy working said,he didn't see anything really abnormal other than I just have trouble going to sleep & staying asleep. Just what I thought it was going to show, another wonderful gift of that little nasty tumor sitting in my brain, all that cortisol it has pumping through my body, is like being on high doses of steroids, so sleep is very, very difficult. I've told my family after my surgery when I pray I can finally sleep, not to wake me up, just check to make sure I'm still breathing & let me sleep however long I possibly can, I can not remember the last time I actually had a good nights sleep. Now if my doctors can get all these test together, schedule the big, scary one, hopefully we will move on to surgery soon. I guarantee if it was them or someone in there close family they would try to hurry this along a little more. Thankfully my local endo doctore was as aggravated as I am, that they ordered more test, since he had already done plenty, we know what is wrong. They have a pretty little mri picture of that nasty little tumor. So we both agree, lets get this show on the road & pray they get it all & I can get on the road to recovery (which takes a while after surgery) So they need to speed things along.

I am happy that I have a little good news to share.
I finally found some insurance and got approved for it.. Unfortunately, it cost over $300/month, and I have several thousands & thousands that have already & are continuing to  add up already in all the tests, doctor visits, & meds before the insurance. But I'm very thankful, to the Lord, that now as long as it is an "approved" Doctor, hospital, procedure & etc.. That I have insurance to help. I will have a copay for approved Dr visits of $30. Then any labs, procedures, hospital stays & etc. "approved, in plan" will be paid at 80%, then we have any copays & the other 20%. Which will help with the surgery a lot! We will still be out thousands & thousands, but no where close to what we were facing. So what a blessing! That is a huge prayer answered.. And helps alleviate some of the stress.

Thank you all for the continued prayers! Praying I get the "official" results of my sleep study next week & praying then after my local endo calls Jackson that things will start to move faster. I'll post when I know something

Please continue to pray, I spend my days at home, holding down the recliner. Just not able to really do much of anything. Only getting out to go to dr visits & etc. Which I joke & say I wish they could just come to me like the old days. Getting ready & stuff, does me in (that is so sad to say, but it is the truth..) There is so much we take for granted,  that are huge when you are unable to do it or unable to do it without a lot of PAIN, nearly hitting the floor trying, or not being able to do things without help. I know it takes a toll on my family, since they have to help me with most everything. But I know God will help us through all of this. Thank the Lord for my husband (who is amazing, I might add), my precious daughter (which I thank the Lord for many, many times a day. This child gets me through each & every day. She is my sunshine, she brightens everyday of my life. I can always count on her to keep me from getting down. ), mom (who is my rock & always has been) & ALL my family. I love them all dearly, instead of trying to name everyone! Oh but I have to say, my little 3 yr old niece, who has to come check on her "Nay-Nay" ever chance she can, to hug me & tell me, "I love you Nay-Nay!", which of course is a heart melter & always helps lift my spirits.. I am truly BLESSED! I can't imagine what I would do without my family

My Journey... Moving forward, but it feels like it is at a turtle's pace...

 As many of you know I had a consultation last week with a surgeon. I know I haven't said much about my appointment. Honestly, I'm still not ready to talk about much of it. But I feel I need to update everyone.  You all have been here with me, praying for me as I go through this journey. So I will update a little, I just need more time on several things. So please continue to pray for me and my family.

Okay last Wednesday my mom, my hubby & I headed to Jackson, my appointment was set for early Thursday morning, trips are hard on me so we stayed the night before going to my appoint. Of course, I didn't sleep :/, but that isn't anything new. But I was glad I didn't have to ride all those hours in the very early morning, then go to my appointment, and then have to head home all in one day. I'm so thankful to my dear friend, and her family for letting my precious girl come stay with them Wed. & Thurs. night. The trip was very hard on me. But I survived :)

Okay so anyway, Thurs. I went to see the surgeon for my consultation. I loved his nurse she was so sweet to me, she had a woman that was shadowing her, it is a university hospital,  I loved her too, they both were so sweet and nice to me, while I was "trying" to explain everything. I was having one of those days where my brain was not co-operating. Those that really know me know I've been trying to stay strong, to stay positive, not let anyone see me cry, and all that "good" stuff, especially around my family (I kept telling myself, to stay strong, they are having a hard time with this too, so I didn't want to make it harder on them, or worry them more or well you get the idea).. Well let's just say Thursday, the walls came a tumbling down. While "trying" to talk to the nurse, thank the Lord I have been writing notes and questions, because it was a day my brain definitely was not co-operating. So I ended up just having to hand her my notebook. Because nothing I was trying to say was coming out right. I probably freaked the poor nurse out a little, she was leaving out of the room, she came over I think to pat me on the back. As I told you my brain was really bad that day, she came over put her hand on my shoulder and I just grabbed the poor woman started, crying and hugging her. While hugging her it finally hit my brain, "WHAT in the WORLD are YOU doing?" so then I let go of the sweet nurse and let her leave the room.. I'm sure she thought, that poor lady. Thursday was a bad day and it  HIT me HARD.. The surgeon comes in, starts going over the MRI I had previously in Tupelo. Then with all he saw he wanted MORE TEST!! He starts going over all this stuff, I'm lost, trying to figure all this out, while feeling inside "I can not handle all this.I'm lost and not understand a lot of this" I was scared going to see him, but "trying" to look calm,trying to stay strong.. But the closer "surgery" got (or so I thought) I started feeling a little freaked out inside. I mean this is my brain (even if it isn't working properly right now) we are talking about him going into, not such a warm and fuzzy thought. But then he started talking about more test, and all that kept running through my head was, "I thought we were finally going to be getting somewhere" I thought I could soon get on the road to recovery, even if I was scared(to get this behind me, I want to get better, I want to once again be able to participate in life, with my family... I want my brain to start working again.. At least all of this is my prayer) but instead, I learn more stuff, and learn I have to have more TEST.. He left the room and I completely LOST it, in front of my mom, in front of my husband, which I didn't want to do, but I couldn't hold it in any longer.. I became a broken down, blubbering mess, you know that "ugly" crying.. yep that was me...

So what all did I learn, well mainly I learned, they want more test.. Why? Well one of the reasons for the surgeon was to pinpoint some things better, he said he didn't want to get in there and destroy my pituitary completely. So one of the test is the test I was praying I would not have to have, but looks like it is on the list.. Sure I know what he is saying, but at the same time. Some of the things he showed us and stuff, I'm still a little lost and feel like I'm in a whirlpool spinning around, but I will continue to pray, I will just keep hanging in there and we will get through all of this. One day if the Lord's willing all of this will be behind us, and things will get better. Of course, I wish it could all be done now and I could be better now. But I know that isn't the way it is going to be, even after surgery and things, it isn't a quick fix. It takes time, a lot of time. With the Lord we will get through all of this.

Once we got home, I still continued to have moments because it was a very hard, emotional day. My mom called, she trying to re-assure me, but instead I lose it again. While trying my best to stop, because I do not want to breakdown my mom. Then she says, why are you doing that to yourself, we know, your brother and I have talked about it, we know you are trying to put on the strong front for everyone. Do you think we don't know you well enough to know you are struggling, even if you are not talking about it or crying around us. You are only human, anyone would be upset. Stop feeling like you can't, or don't have the right to breakdown, you should know you can cry in front of us, you can talk to us about all of this.. We are here for you, you shouldn't be worrying about us.. It is still hard for me. Because I don't want them to worry. But she said, my "acting strong" wasn't fooling them, and it wasn't stopping them from being concerned or worrying. But at the same time my strong front also protects me, when I allow myself to think about it, I do breakdown when I'm alone at times. It is hard, and going to see the surgeon turned out to be really hard, then he called in another specialist that I had to see, and of course he had his own set of TEST that he wants too. So between the two of them, Let more testing begin.. ummm.. okay that's not what I was really thinking.. But it is what it is... Now I have to wait for the different test to get scheduled.. And keep waiting for surgery..

This is all very hard, but if you ask me how I'm doing, my usual response is "I'm hanging in there" I can't bring myself to lie and say "fine", because who am I kidding, I'm not doing fine. So "I'm hanging in there" is my response, because that is what I'm doing, Most days, are not good. But I believe you have to find the good in each day. If I sit and think about or talk about everything that is bad, well it would take all day, it would drag me and everyone around me down.. No one wants to be around someone always focusing on the bad, or on the negative, so why would I do that, even I wouldn't want to be around myself if that was what I talked about or focused on everyday. Could I have a poor me pity party, well, YES! I could have one everyday lately, but who wants to come to that party, NOT me..LOL Seriously, yes things are bad right now, yes life is hard right now, but we will keep moving forward. I will continue to make stupid jokes about my difficult condition. I mean I could sit and cry daily, I could post hourly about what has gone wrong in the last 60 min of each day. But I refuse to do that, I will not go there, there are people in this world that are struggling with things even worse than I am.  I will continue to look to the Lord, I will continue to enjoy my family, I will continue to enjoy life (even if most of it is unfortunately having to be spent in my recliner right now) I will continue to laugh, I will continue to look at and for the good things that surround me. Things may not be the way I wish they were at the moment, but regardless I am blessed. I am loved. I have an amazing family & wonderful friends. So we will keep looking forward, I will try not to stress myself out by always "trying to be strong" I will learn there are times it is okay to breakdown. I will accept that no one could get through everything being thrown at me, without occasionally having a breakdown, or a meltdown. I will come to accept it is okay to be a blubbering mess on occasion. But I refuse to let this define me all the time. I refuse to think about it, or talk about it all the time. It is only a portion of my life, it is not everything. I am blessed with many things. Yes, I currently have many, many struggles, yes at times I will talk about them and need to share, just to keep my sanity. However, I will try not to do it all the time, or even daily, because it would only get me and everyone else down. Who wants to be a "Negative Nellie" all the time.. Not me, there is way to much the Lord has blessed me with..Let's all strive to be more like "Suzy Sunshine" :)  She's much more fun to be around.. LOL

Okay but to keep my sanity, here is a little bit of the bad, don't worry we want visit here to long.. Just a little vent.. One of the hardest things for me continues to be how this all is affecting my mind, I hate not "being me", I hate not being able to read because I can remember what I just read, not being able to carry on intelligent conversation, I hate getting confused, I hate the blunders I make when trying to talk, I hate not being able to recall everyday words, or calling things or people the wrong thing, I hate the way this tumor is stealing who I am, .. But it is something I must work on accepting, for now... So okay there is my brief poor me for a moment. Now let's move on... <3 br="">
I thank you all for your support, and most of all for your prayers. Later on I will talk more about things we are learning along this journey.. But for now this is what I currently feel like sharing.

Fear starts to creep in....

I'm sitting here thinking as we begin a new week, this is the week I will finally meet with a surgeon for a consultation. We will be traveling to the University of Mississippi Hospital in Jackson. I'm praying we are able to move forward, so I can have the surgery to remove this nasty tumor, praying that then I will begin to heal, then be able to move on  and enjoy life with my family.

Of course, I'm also sitting her praying that all will go well. I have to admit that as much as I want to have this surgery (because Cushing's  left untreated, it can  be fatal), but then at the same time I have to sit here,knowing surgery is always risky. Especially surgery removing a tumor from my brain. So it is scary either way. So I realize while I've been trying so hard to pray and remain strong, that the closer time gets to going to see the surgeon, that I start to feeling more fear. I honestly try not to think about it too much. But the closer it gets, the harder it gets. I pray many times a day for what lies ahead for me and my family. I keep researching and reading about the surgery and about what to expect after the surgery.. I have to admit, it all sounds pretty scary. I will continue to pray, knowing God is in control, and whatever may lie ahead, he will be there. I've read how after surgery things can be very hard for a while, my body will go from having extremely high amount of cortisol to bottoming out. That will send my body into severe withdrawal. Then reading about so many who had complications, or had a tumor recurrence and had to have the surgery several times. Some ended up having to have their adrenal glands removed also. Thankfully I have read of others that had the surgery and after recovery, did really well. Of course that is my prayer, that the surgery will go well, and after recovery I will be able to enjoy life with my family.

So the best thing I can do is pray, and ask each of you to pray. If it was only me I could live with whatever the outcome, but I have a family. I can't imagine not being able to see my daughter grow up, not being able to guide her as she grows, not being able to help her through all the difficult times in life, or being there to share each fun moment, each celebration. I have to keep my mind from wandering into this train of thought, because it is too upsetting. So I try my best to lean on God, to stay upbeat and to remain positive, but there are times when that is difficult. But I move forward, determined to stay strong, determined to have faith that God will get us through this difficult time in whatever we may face.

So this week the journey continues.. My fear starts to sneak up on me, a little bit more as time gets closer. We meet with the surgeon this week, and we will learn what to expect.. Please continue to pray for me, my family and the surgeon as things move forward.

A poem about my stuggle with Cushing's Disease

Who Is That I See

I look in the mirror,

And what do I see?

Who is that woman,

Staring back at me?

Face so red and round, 

Hair falling out,
on the ground.

It is all depressing,

Without a doubt.

High blood pressure, diabetes,
Migraines, and more...
Bone pain, joint pain, muscle pain all make me sore.
Sometimes I feel,
 I just can't take any more!
Dear Cushing's,
Can't we just sign a peace treaty? 

Hairs on my chin,
Acne on my face.
What is going on here?
Don't bring that camera near.

I try to hide,
Ashamed of what I see.
No longer the person, 
I use to be.
 
Now let's add fatigue to the list,
Does this all make you intrigued?
Sometimes this disease just makes me mad!
Other times it makes me sad.
I can't sleep,
I stay so tired,
Mr. Sandman, I think, needs to be FIRED!

When I finally dose off, for an hour or two,
Peaceful sleep remains to elude.
My family says every night, I cry in my sleep, 
I guess that is what my mind and body need.
I guess that is its way,
Of dealing and  healing.

They say I have a tumor in my head,
There are days I hurt so bad,
 I just want stay in bed!
So much pain!
So much confusion!

The list of gifts from that tumor and Cushing's continue,
Let me make sure I didn't leave anything off the menu.

I can't forget,
High Cholesterol, and Obesity, 
I hate being so chubby!
Did I mention it increases my risk,
 Of a Heart attack or stroke!
We can't leave that off the list.

Oh! I haven't shared how much I sweat,
While my whole family is freezing you can bet.
Another gift is brittle bones, 
And bruises too.
Wow! Cushing's has so much to do.

I wish it would get tired, of picking on me,
Just leave me alone, let me be.
Go on vacation,
Then we could have a celebration!

Time to move on,
Maybe I should write a song.

My mind, my mind,
I hope one day to find.
I can no longer think straight,
Forget being able to concentrate!
What happened yesterday?
I can't even remember much of today.
Will my mind come back,
Or did it just pack up and leave?
If someone finds it,
Please bring it back to me

I try to talk,
But my mind often takes a walk.
What did I just say?
Well that's not the way,
I heard it in my head.
Oh no! I just said something stupid again.
Sometimes conversation I simply dread!
So please look past what I may say,
Remember the way I was on a good day.

Now let's get back to the list,
Sometimes I wish I could just punch Cushing's with my fist!!

Rooms now spin,
I just can't win.
I need help to walk across the floor,
So don't worry about me running for the door.

I can no longer drive,
Sometimes I could use a good cry!
I try to put on a happy face,
And stay strong,
Even though it all seems wrong.  
I always try look ahead,
And remember God is in control.
Even now when this tumor, 
And Cushing's so much has stole.

Cushing's really does stink,
Don't you think?
It makes me sick,
My immune system takes a dive.
Heart problems, thyroid problems, and PCOS.
all while I fight to stay alive!

Let's not forget that lovely Buffalo Hump
Which makes me feel more in the dumps.

Once again I look in the Mirror.
Who is that I see?
I don't know the  person staring back at me!

I see her eyes,
And they look familiar
But all the other features,
Make me feel like some strange creature

Let's not forget,
All the fun mental things.
Depression, Anxiety,
And lovely mood swings!

My mind is slipping
I'm left gripping.
Trying to hold on to all I love so dear,
While inside I have so much fear

Fear of getting worse day by day, 
If I don't get the treatment I need,
I pray the doctors will soon proceed.
Fear I will not get to be the person I am inside.
That she will have to stay,
knocked off to the side.
The person who loves a last moment adventure,
I'm so ready to venture!

Fear of not being what my family deserves,
At times it really gets on my nerves.

Then I think of the surgery I need.
I pray I can get it, 
And it will work,
Then let's take all this Cushing's junk,
And throw it in a trunk.
And pray, we never have to open it again,
Then my new life can begin.
 
Each day I pray to stay strong,
Even when my mind and body feel so wrong.
I  pray, and  try to encourage my family,
Thankfully God is beside me,
 each step of the way.

I hate to see them worry, 
I hate to see them cry
Don't worry,PRAY!
I say to them,
Each and every day!

I love my family, more than life,
I just have to get through, all this strife.
The strife Cushing's is causing me day after day,
The way it has my life on delay.

Sometimes I have to make myself laugh,
So I can stay tough.
I make jokes,
And act like a clown,
All so I will not break down.
While inside at times I'm crying,
And I feel like I'm dying!

I dream of doing so many things,with my daughter again,
Goofing off, playing, and just having fun.
 Dancing around,
Or going for a run.
I dream of once again being able to date my husband.
Going with him on a walk,
While enjoying a nice long talk.
Maybe we can go bowling, 
Or find a canoe and go rowing.

I dream of being able to go horseback riding,
once again with my brother.
And hanging out with my mother and grandmother.
Of running around at the park with my daughter and niece 
I can't wait to get better, 
And finally have some peace.
Then we all,
Can begin to live life to its fullest,
And have a ball!

This awful disease isn't only mine you see,
My family is going through all of this with me.

But for now,
 I continue to struggle.
And spend each day
trying to juggle.

Juggling all the problems,
Cushing's has caused!
While it puts my life on pause.

When will this end?

Where does Cushing's end,

And where do I begin?

When will my life be mine again?

 Copyright © Tina Harden 
January 2014

A very personal poem I wrote many years ago

To The Man I've Never Known

HURT

TEARS

SADNESS

FEAR

Inside this grows throughout the years!

ANGER

PAIN

DARKNESS

HATE

These feelings start at such a young age!

 I sit, I wait, You NEVER came

Inside they boil, inside they grow

Feelings no child should ever know

I sit and watch, so little so small

I sit and wait, but you don't come or call

The wind outside blows

Cars they pass and flee

Fathers and daughters pass by with glee

Tears they fall

I don't understand, WHY?

Don't understand why, at all

Days, weeks, months, and years

They pass by, with so many tears

DARKNESS it seeps, hatred it growns

Once a loving, innocent child

Now bitterness and hate I feel inside

A heart BROKEN into 

Once so shining, once so true

One side a bright happy place

For the love others give me

But one side so dark, it grows cold and hard

LIES
DECEIT
DISTRUST OF MEN

Look at what you did!

No man could break through those walls

Because you made them grow Oh, so tall

Until the age of twenty six

Hatred grows and grows inside

I feel so much ANGER, SADNESS, and HATE

I wished you sorrow

I wished you PAIN

Everyday in my hear,t for you was the same

So many YEARS, so many TEARS

You missed me talk, you missed me walk

You missed my very first date

You missed my first HEARTBREAK

You missed me not know the man or boy you were

You missed me wondering and asking, WHY you, WHY me?!

You missed her love

You missed her trying to make me see 

The man she thought you were going to be

You missed all the LOVE and STRENGTH she gave to me

You left us both, I grew to HATE

She FORGAVE and that made me INSANE

She told me, "You loved me"

I said, "What a LIE"

I even said, "I wish you would DIE!"

But on one bright and shining day

This all broke, this all changed

From the grace of GOD

The darkness and hate all came tumbling down

Now forgiveness truly abounds

WHY? You may say

Well it was all because of someone so small

A LOVE so true and pure

There was no room in my heart for hatred at all!

She grew under and in my heart day by day

She made all the darkness slip away

And when I held her the very first time

Oh the LOVE I felt inside

With such a tiny SMILE, and ten tiny toes

The years of hate seem to vanish away

They really didn't matter anymore at all

I started to care, I learn to FORGIVE

All this as she was starting to live

I started to understand, I started to see

Why my mom could never hate you, because she LOVED me

I started to realize if there were no you, there would be no me

My brother and I were her life you see

And if I never was, if there was never a me

What about this child, this precious GIFT of mine

She wouldn't be here for the whole world to LOVE

So it's true GOD has a plan

Even if we don't understand

So even though I never saw it then

And it was true, you never were there

But it was really you that missed out

The hatred I felt, it never hurt you

But inside it was DESTROYING me

And killing the very soul GOD gave to me

So now I'm grown, and now I see

Maybe there was a certain love you had for me

Even if it was one I never got to see

A love that only you understand

Because love was something you never had growing up

It's true you were never a part of my life

A fact that never escaped me

I tried a PERFECT life to live

This was a vow I made

Even if perfect, I would never be

I was determined that you,

No one would see through me

Another man became my DAD and loved me

And beside my mom he held my hand

He was the one that was around

I now know, you not being there

Was one of the greatest gifts of all

So I no longer HATE, I no longer DESPISE

But now only PITY, SADNESS, and FORGIVENESS are inside

Because despite never knowing you, despite feeling so BETRAYED

Feeling Anger and Hate, from such a small age

I've came to realize, maybe it's true

It wasn't that you never loved me

I'm sure you did, in your own way

It was that you never knew how to love

Not the love I wanted to know

Because you never had it yourself,

Never at all!

Copyright © Tina Harden

 

A poem I wrote after 9/11 in 2001

Tragic Tuesday

That Tuesday started as any other day.

As Katie and I sat and played.

 Until that plane took to the sky, 

The world as we knew it pasted on by.

We still didn't know what had happened you see,

For we were sitting around playing with glee.

Until I was on the phone,

And my mom asked, did we have the tv on,

We then found out the terrible news.

About how so many had lost their lives,

Now so many were without their loved ones.

I then stood there in shock to see,

All that was happening in the world around me.

I held my daughter oh so tight, while I sat there and cried,

For the world as I knew it had pasted away.

It was so terrible to see,

How could anyone be so heartless and mean.

I kept holding my daughter so tight,

And thanked God we were all alive.

I thanked him for all I have,

And prayed for those, who were now without.

So many people lost their lives,

Sons, daughters, moms, dads, husbands, and wives.

The day the sky flashed, with that mighty crash, 

And all those mighty buildings crashed to the ground.

Yes, it was a tragic day,

The day they took our innocence away.

The day we all will never forget.

It all seems so wrong,

But we all must be strong.

For now we may not understand,

But we must know that God has a plan.

He is always by our side,

Morning, noon and night.

Always remember who is in control, 

And with him we can never go wrong.

Just remember he knows what's best.

And he knows what must be,

Even when we can not see.

For now we must have faith,

In God's love, power and grace.

  Copyright © Tina Harden 2001

A poem I wrote my mom back in 2001

Mothers

Mothers were sent from God above,

to show the world how to love.

How to love, you might say,

a true mother knows no other way.

A true mother knows her child inside and out,

pe She knows when they are happy, sad or mad, without a doubt.

A mother always knows what to do,

whether her child is happy or blue.

She's always there to share a laugh,

or there to lend an ear.

She's there to share a cry,

or there to wipe away the tears.

The world today is not a perfect place to be,

but a true mother tries her best to change that fact.

To make her child happy and free,

To make them smile each day with glee.

Mothers are special this is true,

I should know I have you.

Dear mom you're always there for me

and I know you always will be.

Thank you mom for teaching me how to love,

this I hope to pass on to my little girl.

I hope and pray I can be the kind of mom you have been to me.

Copyright © Tina Harden 2001

"Oct" means eight, Right??

This is just more proof that this momma needs supervision even during "schooling".. Me to Kaitlyn- "Just remember "oct" means eight like octopus, they have 8 legs, so an octagon, has 8 sides & like October, is the 8th month".. And I continue on and on... Then my sweet child waits and says, "Momma, October is not the 8th month, it is the 10th month.".. Me- ooops! You are so right! LOL "Well there goes my whole explanation speech" So she then got a history lesson and gave me a history lesson. She went online and looked up Why isn't October the 8th month. We then found out it was originally the 8th month until Julius Caesar created the month, July, after his name and put it before October, then making it the 9th month. Then after his death, his nephew, Augustus Caesar, did the same by creating August. Which then moved October to being the 10th month. So there ya go, everyone can have a little history lesson about the month October. So I was partly right... Right??? LOL Note to others if you ever have this problem. Use the, "Oh, I was just checking to see if you were paying attention" statement. But be prepared your child probably will not fall for that any more than my child. I guess I could always write a book, "Reasons mom should not be in charge of homeschooling, if she has a brain tumor" People could read it, laughing some days & crying on other days. So remember "Oct" means 8 until Julius Caesar went and messed up the months.. LOL

Preparing myself to what happens after surgery...

I've been trying to research and talk to others online that have Cushing's Disease, and have already gone through surgery. I'm so glad and thankful to have a diagnosis and finally have a consultation date with a surgeon. It's crazy when I look back at all the years I've had all these different health problems. When I think of it all sometimes it gets overwhelming to think about "if only" this could have been discovered years ago. Many of my symptoms and complications from this disease have been with me for over 20 years.. That is crazy to think about, I have to stop myself from all the "what ifs" or "if only they could have found this earlier" But I can't help but wonder. I've been "sick" for over half my life.. I started blood pressure meds at the age of 16. It use to go so high in high school that I would pass out in class. Then I had to quit college due to severe health problems. It greatly affected my working ability over the years. All the health problems just kept going, and going, getting worse and worse. Until finally my body has reached its limits.. I'm glad I saw some things about Cushing's online and noticed that "Hey I have all of those symptoms" .. One of those lightbulb moments. So then I talked to my doctor and told him I wanted him to test me for Cushing's. Of  course, He said, "No worry, Tina, everything is going to be okay. Cushing's is really rare." Then all the testing began. Testing started in Sept. 2013 and continued until Nov.2013. When he confirmed "my" diagnosis of Cushing's. He told me, I didn't want to believe that you actually had Cushing's so I performed several of the test over and over, hoping they were not right, because Cushing's is not good. But I'm sorry to say you definitely have Cushing's. Not a happy thing to hear, but when you have suffered for so long with so many unexplainable health problems. When you've heard more times than you care to think, "Well if you just got out more", "If you just ate better", "If you just would exercise more", "Maybe it is all just your nerves", "I think she may be a hypochondriac", "Maybe she just doesn't want to work", "She can't really be that sick","It is all in your head" (Hey, by the way anyone who thought or told me this... Guess what?? yep it is all in my head.. There is a tumor there.. So see I'm not crazy!! I'm really sick, so I couldn't just get over it!!) Over the years it hurt, when people doubted all the sickness, and pain that I have experience. For all the doctors who threw different meds at me, never actually finding out WHY I have all these health problems.. For years I have caught every illness I'm around.. Now I know why.. The tumor, Cushing's Disease, lowers your immune system a lot. It can all get overwhelming.. Then I've been researching what to expect after surgery. Then I learn it is not one of those get surgery, and feel great.. Then I get concerned that others will once again doubt me, thinking well she should already be better. It would be great to have the surgery and feel great.. Of course no matter what I read, that is what I pray will happen. I also pray that no matter what I may go through after surgery, that others will remember what is posted below. And everyone will be patient with me through the difficulties that may occur after surgery. Some of the ladies I've talked to on support groups that have already had the surgery, some of their stories are not happy ones. They all remind me to remember how long it took my body & mind to get as bad as it now, and to be patient after surgery. To remember all this did not happen to my body/mind over night, and it will not all be better over night either..

What can I expect after surgery..

It can take some time to feel back to normal, to lose weight, to regain strength, and to recover from depression or loss of memory. It is important to remember that the high cortisol levels physically change the body and brain, and that these changes may reverse quite slowly. This is a normal feature of the recovery period and patience is definitely a virtue here.
After a successful pituitary surgery, cortisol levels are very low. This can continue for 3–18 months after surgery. These low levels of cortisol can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, aches and pains, and a flu-like feeling. These feelings are common after surgery as the body adjusts to the lower cortisol levels. Doctors give people a cortisol-like medicine until recovery of the pituitary and adrenal glands is either well under way or complete.
Hydrocortisone or prednisone is usually used for this purpose. Doctors monitor the recovery of the pituitary and adrenal glands by measuring morning cortisol values, or by testing the ability of the adrenal glands to secrete cortisol in response to an injected medication similar to ACTH.
Until the pituitary and adrenal glands recover, the body does not respond normally to stress – such as illness – by increasing cortisol production. As a result people who suffer with ‘flu’, fever or nausea may have to double the oral dose of the glucocorticoid when they are sick. However, this increased dosage should only be used for 1–3 days. On occasion, people can suffer vomiting or severe diarrhea that prevents them from absorbing the glucocorticoids taken by mouth.
In this situation, it may be necessary to receive injections of dexamethasone or another glucocorticoid, and seek emergency medical care. If it is necessary to have a prolonged increase in hydrocortisone, a doctor should evaluate this need, and a ‘tapering’ regimen may be needed to reduce the dose back to the daily requirement. 

Post-operative relative adrenal insufficiency is often accompanied by lightheadedness, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, fatigue and weight loss. Given that patients with Cushing's disease are accustomed to very high levels of cortisol, even a relative reduction in cortisol levels can result in symptoms of adrenal withdrawal. It is important to emphasize to the patient cured of Cushing's disease the importance of daily glucocorticoid replacement and the potential clinical consequences of untreated adrenal insufficiency. Acute adrenal crisis is a life-threatening condition that occurs when there is not enough cortisol, a hormone produced by the adrenal glands. Patients should be advised to wear a medical alert bracelet. In addition, they should be advised to double their steroid dose during illness, to receive parenteral glucocorticoids if unable to use orally, and to inform all health care providers that they are taking steroids. It often takes 6 months to 2 years for patients to recover from affects of their Cushing's and be able to discontinue glucocorticoid replacement therapy. In some cases, central adrenal insufficiency may be a permanent complication from surgery and lifelong replacement may be needed. The clinical features of Cushing's begin to improve as soon as the replacement dose is below the level of preoperative cortisol production.
After surgery, frequently contacts with the patient are advisable to optimize downward titration of glucocorticoid replacement. Patients are evaluated 4-6 weeks post-operatively for a more thorough assessment of pituitary function. It is important to determine whether they have developed deficiency in adrenal, thyroid, sex steroid, or growth hormone production. Monitoring for diabetes insipidus and the Syndrome of Inappropriate Anti-Diuretic Hormone secretion is also necessary. Patients usually return several times the first 6 months and at least every 6 months thereafter in order to monitor for recurrent hypercortisolemia.
Tapering prednisone over the ensuing months can be one of the most challenging aspects in the management of Cushing's disease. This is related to the fact that there is no lab test which can determine whether the replacement dose is correct. Each reduction in the amount of prednisone may result in increases in fatigue and lethargy. It is important for patients to anticipate that they will most likely experience an extended period of time (from several weeks to several months) during which they may feel less well before starting to feel better.
Patients need to be counseled that the typical recovery period is approximately one-two years, and that a healthy diet and exercise program are important. Those patients on medical therapy for hypertension or diabetes mellitus should be monitored carefully, as dose reductions may be needed whenever steroid doses are tapered. The recovery from Cushing's can be remarkable, with many patients returning to their pre-Cushing's physical and psychological health within 1-2 years.  (information gathered from various Cushing's Support & Research websites and groups)