As many of you know I had a consultation last week with a surgeon. I know I haven't said much about my appointment. Honestly, I'm still not ready to talk about much of it. But I feel I need to update everyone. You all have been here with me, praying for me as I go through this journey. So I will update a little, I just need more time on several things. So please continue to pray for me and my family.
Okay last Wednesday my mom, my hubby & I headed to Jackson, my appointment was set for early Thursday morning, trips are hard on me so we stayed the night before going to my appoint. Of course, I didn't sleep :/, but that isn't anything new. But I was glad I didn't have to ride all those hours in the very early morning, then go to my appointment, and then have to head home all in one day. I'm so thankful to my dear friend, and her family for letting my precious girl come stay with them Wed. & Thurs. night. The trip was very hard on me. But I survived :)
Okay so anyway, Thurs. I went to see the surgeon for my consultation. I loved his nurse she was so sweet to me, she had a woman that was shadowing her, it is a university hospital, I loved her too, they both were so sweet and nice to me, while I was "trying" to explain everything. I was having one of those days where my brain was not co-operating. Those that really know me know I've been trying to stay strong, to stay positive, not let anyone see me cry, and all that "good" stuff, especially around my family (I kept telling myself, to stay strong, they are having a hard time with this too, so I didn't want to make it harder on them, or worry them more or well you get the idea).. Well let's just say Thursday, the walls came a tumbling down. While "trying" to talk to the nurse, thank the Lord I have been writing notes and questions, because it was a day my brain definitely was not co-operating. So I ended up just having to hand her my notebook. Because nothing I was trying to say was coming out right. I probably freaked the poor nurse out a little, she was leaving out of the room, she came over I think to pat me on the back. As I told you my brain was really bad that day, she came over put her hand on my shoulder and I just grabbed the poor woman started, crying and hugging her. While hugging her it finally hit my brain, "WHAT in the WORLD are YOU doing?" so then I let go of the sweet nurse and let her leave the room.. I'm sure she thought, that poor lady. Thursday was a bad day and it HIT me HARD.. The surgeon comes in, starts going over the MRI I had previously in Tupelo. Then with all he saw he wanted MORE TEST!! He starts going over all this stuff, I'm lost, trying to figure all this out, while feeling inside "I can not handle all this.I'm lost and not understand a lot of this" I was scared going to see him, but "trying" to look calm,trying to stay strong.. But the closer "surgery" got (or so I thought) I started feeling a little freaked out inside. I mean this is my brain (even if it isn't working properly right now) we are talking about him going into, not such a warm and fuzzy thought. But then he started talking about more test, and all that kept running through my head was, "I thought we were finally going to be getting somewhere" I thought I could soon get on the road to recovery, even if I was scared(to get this behind me, I want to get better, I want to once again be able to participate in life, with my family... I want my brain to start working again.. At least all of this is my prayer) but instead, I learn more stuff, and learn I have to have more TEST.. He left the room and I completely LOST it, in front of my mom, in front of my husband, which I didn't want to do, but I couldn't hold it in any longer.. I became a broken down, blubbering mess, you know that "ugly" crying.. yep that was me...
So what all did I learn, well mainly I learned, they want more test.. Why? Well one of the reasons for the surgeon was to pinpoint some things better, he said he didn't want to get in there and destroy my pituitary completely. So one of the test is the test I was praying I would not have to have, but looks like it is on the list.. Sure I know what he is saying, but at the same time. Some of the things he showed us and stuff, I'm still a little lost and feel like I'm in a whirlpool spinning around, but I will continue to pray, I will just keep hanging in there and we will get through all of this. One day if the Lord's willing all of this will be behind us, and things will get better. Of course, I wish it could all be done now and I could be better now. But I know that isn't the way it is going to be, even after surgery and things, it isn't a quick fix. It takes time, a lot of time. With the Lord we will get through all of this.
Once we got home, I still continued to have moments because it was a very hard, emotional day. My mom called, she trying to re-assure me, but instead I lose it again. While trying my best to stop, because I do not want to breakdown my mom. Then she says, why are you doing that to yourself, we know, your brother and I have talked about it, we know you are trying to put on the strong front for everyone. Do you think we don't know you well enough to know you are struggling, even if you are not talking about it or crying around us. You are only human, anyone would be upset. Stop feeling like you can't, or don't have the right to breakdown, you should know you can cry in front of us, you can talk to us about all of this.. We are here for you, you shouldn't be worrying about us.. It is still hard for me. Because I don't want them to worry. But she said, my "acting strong" wasn't fooling them, and it wasn't stopping them from being concerned or worrying. But at the same time my strong front also protects me, when I allow myself to think about it, I do breakdown when I'm alone at times. It is hard, and going to see the surgeon turned out to be really hard, then he called in another specialist that I had to see, and of course he had his own set of TEST that he wants too. So between the two of them, Let more testing begin.. ummm.. okay that's not what I was really thinking.. But it is what it is... Now I have to wait for the different test to get scheduled.. And keep waiting for surgery..
This is all very hard, but if you ask me how I'm doing, my usual response is "I'm hanging in there" I can't bring myself to lie and say "fine", because who am I kidding, I'm not doing fine. So "I'm hanging in there" is my response, because that is what I'm doing, Most days, are not good. But I believe you have to find the good in each day. If I sit and think about or talk about everything that is bad, well it would take all day, it would drag me and everyone around me down.. No one wants to be around someone always focusing on the bad, or on the negative, so why would I do that, even I wouldn't want to be around myself if that was what I talked about or focused on everyday. Could I have a poor me pity party, well, YES! I could have one everyday lately, but who wants to come to that party, NOT me..LOL Seriously, yes things are bad right now, yes life is hard right now, but we will keep moving forward. I will continue to make stupid jokes about my difficult condition. I mean I could sit and cry daily, I could post hourly about what has gone wrong in the last 60 min of each day. But I refuse to do that, I will not go there, there are people in this world that are struggling with things even worse than I am. I will continue to look to the Lord, I will continue to enjoy my family, I will continue to enjoy life (even if most of it is unfortunately having to be spent in my recliner right now) I will continue to laugh, I will continue to look at and for the good things that surround me. Things may not be the way I wish they were at the moment, but regardless I am blessed. I am loved. I have an amazing family & wonderful friends. So we will keep looking forward, I will try not to stress myself out by always "trying to be strong" I will learn there are times it is okay to breakdown. I will accept that no one could get through everything being thrown at me, without occasionally having a breakdown, or a meltdown. I will come to accept it is okay to be a blubbering mess on occasion. But I refuse to let this define me all the time. I refuse to think about it, or talk about it all the time. It is only a portion of my life, it is not everything. I am blessed with many things. Yes, I currently have many, many struggles, yes at times I will talk about them and need to share, just to keep my sanity. However, I will try not to do it all the time, or even daily, because it would only get me and everyone else down. Who wants to be a "Negative Nellie" all the time.. Not me, there is way to much the Lord has blessed me with..Let's all strive to be more like "Suzy Sunshine" :) She's much more fun to be around.. LOL
Okay but to keep my sanity, here is a little bit of the bad, don't worry we want visit here to long.. Just a little vent.. One of the hardest things for me continues to be how this all is affecting my mind, I hate not "being me", I hate not being able to read because I can remember what I just read, not being able to carry on intelligent conversation, I hate getting confused, I hate the blunders I make when trying to talk, I hate not being able to recall everyday words, or calling things or people the wrong thing, I hate the way this tumor is stealing who I am, .. But it is something I must work on accepting, for now... So okay there is my brief poor me for a moment. Now let's move on... <3 br="">
I thank you all for your support, and most of all for your prayers. Later on I will talk more about things we are learning along this journey.. But for now this is what I currently feel like sharing.
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